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August 22, 2011

8*22*11 Home from the SHIT SHOW!!!! bachelor party and BMFL!!!

Well where to start.  So my long time friend Drizzle is getting married, this last weekend was the bachelor party. I went into this a bit on the apprehensive side.  I am the only married guy going as well as these dudes still all drink and party on the reg.  So time to boot up or shut up.  Deciding that self preservation is key to any extreme conditions I headed to target to see if I can keep the damage to my body to a minimum.  Being a top level Amateur athlete in a niche sport, my body is a temple and must be treated like one.  Low Performance = High Maintenance.  

So like any hard partying adult should do.  I got my shopping list done before leaving.  So instead of drinking the 33+ cases of 8oz beers or 10 bottles of Jager that came I will stick with what works for me.(also for whatever reason Capt. Morgan usually leaves me with no hangover.)
1 handle of Capt Morgan
4-12 packs of coke zero
4 gallons of water
4 four packs of RockStar lemonade energy+recovery
(figured I'd be needing both)
4-12 packs of Gatorade.
                                                                                    1 container of Vitamin C (helps immune system. )

So on to the trip.  
I meet and pick up the crew at Drizzles at 5:45am to roll out since I am meeting BMFL at the airport in FL at 11:00.  As I get there we load everything to my truck and pack up to leave this goes way smoother than I predicted.  In my car are Stag Beetle and Drizzle.  They sleep since of course they went out to party Thursday night and got home sometime after 2:00am.  I am dealing with some professionals here.  We stop to get food around 7 still in LA. at this point.  (Food+piss+car door+burning tires imagine in some amazing cut like dawn of the dead.)

          BMFL is grabbed at airport and we head to the hotel.  The other car is now ahead of us we get close and decide to get last min items at local souvenir shop.  Clothing guaranteed for all of us to look like assholes, sunscreen, ice for the tiny beers, dickhead hats, towels, and 2 hours later we leave Alvin's Island.  Now heading tot he hotel we call ahead and of course the other car is now at the bar since we cant check in till 3pm.  Arriving at the hotel I notice that this place is just as you'd expect on the Redneck Riviera.  The lobby is the only part that has been upgraded in the last 15 years.  Our room is ready so we go to unload everything and tell the other car of assholes to come to the hotel we will drink at the pool till other rooms are available.  

           The pool is pretty sweet.  Big Rock formation in the middle of it and a swim up grotto bar inside under a water fall.  We look for chairs and an area to call home base then notice there is a terrace that is astro turf covered and has two giant umbrellas and 10 ashtrays.  This is now the "Crow's Nest" where we can obnoxiously judge strangers passing near the pool.  So now we have 11 dudes trying to get hammered drunk all wearing various colors of neon short shorts and dumb sunglasses, yelling at strangers.  Pool Rules also state since they have a bar you cant bring your own booze.  We arrived with three ice chest of tiny cans and a handful of bottles of Jager.  Pool staff seem to realize they are not paid enough to wrangle this crowd and everyone seems to be entertained with our shenanigans.  (side note:  some how there is a direct correlation to the shorter the shorts you wear to the higher you place one leg when talking to anyone.)  After verbally confusing/assaulting talking a couple of high class ladies into letting us check out their c-section scars and utters.  We decided Whataburger + naps then BAR!!!.

Here are some Classics of the day

Here the group judging the crowd...from the Crow's Nest.

Capt Amazing looking like a complete Dick and a beard that possibly robbed a train on the way in.
Getting Ready for the night out... Naked dudes always chill and watch tv together....

Fri Night we ended up at a local Bar and things here are just a sweaty blur for me.  I think we got kicked out, someone made out with a pair of heavy ebony ladies, alleged vandalism, using the pick up line " I wont rape you." and "95+% of the dudes in here want to sexually assault you" But as I said it is all incriminating/ blur.  So just imagine this cluster fuck yelling at anything that moves and being way way way to fucking drunk to make adult decisions.

 Sat:  I managed to wake up at 8am to unsuccessfully eat another burger and fries, and throw up the gallon of water, Rockstar and 3 Gatorades I drank upon waking to only find our bachelor sleeping in our bathtub.  Good times.  Sat was filled with more pool time and all around awfulness.

However as Saturday turned into Saturday night we made our way to eat at hooters and yell at the saints game.  Then out and onto the titty bar.  With three options to choose from Super classy, normal, and Shank Town Super Buffet.  We of course choose Shank Town Super Buffet.  This place is on the top three worst Titty bars I have ever been in.  I'm not sure if it doubles by day as a Chinese buffet or how long it has been since it was one but the lingering ghost of Gerenal Tso was evident.  All of the dancers were AWFUL!!!! yet amazing cause they wanted to party and get loud.  So between the Sasquatchian WNBA players and the way to old Asian hookers.  We were at home, not like we exactly look like a top catch at this point.
 So we gather up our collective money and get our bachelor on stage for an all monster Lapdance-athong while stripped to his batman skivies.  This is one of the most hilarious things I have watched in a long time.  Just looks like sea monsters crawling all over some type of food ball.  We finish and head next door to the top end joint.

Russia's finest is everything you could ask for in a strip club.  Girls ranging from the ages of 18 to 18 and a half and almost none of them speak English as a first language.  Good lighting, tentative staff, and a lack of hepatitis on all of the surfaces make it perfect.
 We continue here for awhile watching some Cirque De Soleil quality pole action by the strong Russian team.  I am glad that they escaped a strong over bearing goverment to practice their skills and chase the american dream.  I am sure they are hoping to be bought by some leather skinned monster and live out there time doing horrid things till  life insurance money and inheritance kick in.  And for that ladies I applaud you.

This ends and we all head back to the hotel where the drinks are cheaper.  I go to pass out since I know I am leaving in the morning and from what I have seen the group is drunk and restless.  Personally I know that the wave of awesomeness has crested and only sadness and fist fights will follow.  When I awake at 5am to leave and find the group still going at it. (some sleeping, one getting slapped knocked out, then crying confused, and threats of further violence, a wedding proposal to a stranger, and possible sexual assault after proposal)

 OUR BACHELOR AND CHAMPION.... I am GLAD DMFR is dead he will be missed.  

This was a great time however I will be recovering from it for the better part of the week.                                                                                         

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